What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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