I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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