hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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