I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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