I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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