And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
