dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
