Sponge bath it is.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
