ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
