I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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