I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
