How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
