just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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