I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
