I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
