Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
