Got a toothbrush?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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