Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
