I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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