i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
