So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
