Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
