I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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