I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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