if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
