Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
