I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
