you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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