2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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