Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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