Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
