Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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