he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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