does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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