i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
