You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
