Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
