So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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