Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
