I'm lost and stupid without you.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
