im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
