I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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