so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
