he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
