ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
why is half of my head shaved?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
