Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
