Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
