I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
