ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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