There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
